Impressions and Expectations

The very first time we see a person, the way they look, the way they hold themselves, what they're doing at that moment and all other details we subconsciously take in, undeniably makes an impression. Even knowing literally nothing about the person in question, we have made a judgement. We think we have a fair idea of exactly the sort of person they are. We latch onto that first impression and subsequent ones and see them through our unique lenses.Unique lenses because the judgement we make is based on past experiences or ingrained stereotypes or popular opinions propagated to us through media. We are inevitably biased.

We might think gorgeous people are arrogant, smart people don't have a life, confident people are just cocky, et cetera. And as long as we don't interact with them, we believe our assessment to be right and when we hear something contrary to it, we are laughably surprised. That is why rumors and gossip can be so damaging: if you only knew a person from what you have heard about them, you can't help but engage with them with preformed notions.

And it's not only with negative judgments, we do this even more with the people we like.

We first see a person in an isolated incident and form a liking towards them that we cannot fully explain: their smile is endearing or their face looks kind or they hold themselves with confidence. We observe them from that point forward and think we know them better and better. More often then not, we like the idea of them rather than who they actually are.

We've built up this whole personality for them in our head and like our version of who they are and we proceed to engage with them based on what we think we know and because of our bias, we never really think to look past our fictitious characterization to who they really are. We are completely blindsided by our liking. And when at some point when they inevitably stray from the boundaries we have placed around them, we feel unfairly betrayed. We expect them to be everything we think they are and end up disappointed.

And if we do this, naturally it means we are the objects of such judgments too.

When we realize that someone paints us in such a positive light, thinks so highly of us, we feel a certain pressure to sustain that impression. It is only natural to want to be liked.

But as we get closer to that person without them ever having seen our worse sides, a certain fear arises: will they still like us if they know more? That fear stops us from being vulnerable, from forming a deeper bond, from being understood . And when you have your first fight and find that, yes, we survived that, you breathe a sigh relief and a small weight lifts.

In a way, it's worse when you have, without meaning to, built an image of yourself, when you carry the weight of collective expectations: A selfless person or pretty or smart honest...any deviation and you feel fraudulent.

The right to be you,the right to make mistakes is taken away from you for no fault of yours but simply because everyone expects better.

We all carry some such burden- the burden of expectation- from a person, a community or more broadly, social construct.

We can't control what people think but what we can do is extend the courtesy that we would like to be shown towards us, to others: try to look past your bias, try to identify and remove stereotypical thoughts, see people for who they are and don't make them carry the weight of your expectations.